On people pleasing…
The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there’s always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You. —Elizabeth Parker
Whoa. That’s a hefty topic, right?! I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about the idea of people pleasing. Probably because I have invited in “people pleasing” on more than one occasion (er. most of my life), and it shows up as a topic in my client sessions quite regularly.
Recently I asked a pivot question of my client after I acknowledged how much they have done in spite of all the obstacles life has thrown at them. As I looked at my acknowledgement, I wondered if I had invited in the idea of my client wanting to please me, and that’s why they said, “yes, I did all that.”
We unpacked what getting the approval of others does for them. When it’s okay. And when it’s not okay.
We landed on that it only works if the client trusts the person delivering the message. I then asked what happens if they don’t trust the other person? The answer on the outside made me pause, but provided an opening for my inner voice which asked me a question: “Did you just acknowledge your client so they might appreciate the work together (even though you believed 100% in what you said)?”
So I asked my client a pivotal follow-up question that shifted the entire conversation: “What does me acknowledging that you’ve done a lot kick off for you? Were you able to trust what I said?”
My client appreciated the acknowledgement, but wasn’t sure they trusted it. I shared my gratitude for allowing honesty to guide their answer and we spent the next ten minutes processing. It was eye-opening for both of us.
For me, as a therapist, I was reminded that people pleasing might invade my actions in therapy and that I want to continually ask myself “why, am I about to say what I’m about to say?” For my client, it allowed them to use their voice, which was a shift in our work together.
We are social critters and it’s true, we get a feel good from feeling seen, understood, and validated. And all of that could look like “people pleasing.”
The following questions began to unravel as I sat with the idea of people pleasing:
When can people pleasing be good? How, when, what, and why?
When can it not be good? How, when, what, and why?
Is it okay to want to please other people? When has it not gone well? What happened?
What is the motivation to want to please other people? Is it based in the constructs of validation, being seen, being heard and understood, wanting to know you’re doing a good job? Or maybe that it might be important to you to feel a part of a social group?
Why might one be served by people pleasing? Is it for safety? Maintaining relationships? Knowing one is doing well in a job? Knowing you are of service in the world?
When might it be too much?
At that moment and today I as write this, I recognize that it can both good and bad depending on the the context and the players involved. It is entirely up to the person being guided by people pleasing to know when it works and when it doesn't.
From my experience, it’s too much when one’s own values are sacrificed or compromised in a way that doesn’t feel good. When that inner voice says, ‘stop, no, or wants to suggest that this isn’t okay.’ What might allow the inner voice to become the outer voice? And what might that do for oneself?
So much to chew on here.
When is it okay for you to want to please others in your world? When is it too much that it might harm oneself and invite in further insecurity? When might you opt out of leaning on the validation of others?
XO